How to Live Life Based on Your Values
Values-based living is an important principle in my clinical practice and personal life. I encourage everyone to evaluate their values regularly, particularly for the neurodivergent women that I work with. This is because our values often shift throughout seasons of life. Things that are important to you when you are a senior in college might be very different five years later, when you have settled into a career and have shifted somewhat in your interests and pursuits. Another reason for regularly checking in is to see if life is aligning with the principles that you find the most important. Values are truly the backbone of deep work. If you are a neurodivergent woman who often feels like they have too many things going on and struggle to make choices, I am about to make your life a bit easier.
Perhaps you are reading this and aren’t exactly sure what “values” I am referring to. People sometimes get values mixed up with goals. Goals are more fixed and finite. Things like graduating from college, getting married, going on your dream vacation to Thailand. Values are more like guiding principles that tell you how you want to act and stand for in your life.
For example, your values list might include words like friendship, family, nature, travel, truth, authenticity, adventure, humor, creativity, leisure, and so on. Values are not things that can be simply crossed off a list, but much more nuanced ideas about how we want to be in the world.
People don’t always love the idea of values, especially those of us who might be a bit higher-strung and like things to be concrete (I am talking mostly about myself here, but if it fits for you, hi!) It is okay if it isn’t your favorite thing, it is a very worthwhile exercise all the same that will really help you learn more about yourself and make decisions.
I usually ask people to look at a list and identify words associated with values that resonate with them. I have them narrow down the words until they come up with 5-7 value words. With each word, I will ask them about how this value is currently represented in their life, and ways that they could enhance this value in their life. Keep in mind that you are not able to do each and every value all at the same time, but it isn’t wise to abandon a value altogether. Notice and create balance.
Let me give you an example of how this works: if nature is an important value to you, you might you feel most in tune with nature when you get to run outside in the morning. However, it is winter and you can’t stand the wet and cold at the moment so you aren’t running at all. This might be a good time to get a bit more flexible with how you connect with nature. Maybe you go on hikes more regularly during nice, walk the dog after work in a new to you park or nature reserve, or planting a small hydro garden on your window sill. When spring comes around, we know that you will be ready to run.
When we get clear on our values, our life gets a lot better. We are often groomed from a young age to look to achieve the next big milestone. We can get to a place where we get a sense of “now what?” and feel an understandable amount of listlessness. This can make us feel sad, depressed, anxious, the list goes on and on. Values work helps us identify ways to enhance our lives that will be meaningful.
Another thing that might become clear is the things that do not show up on the list. What are the things that suck your time and energy away from getting to what is on your values list? Is it important? You might find ways to streamline these tasks or eliminate them altogether. A great example might be spending time with your extended family. This might mean that you might feel the need to entertain, prepare a meal, clean the house, etc. which might NOT be part of your values. This might be a time to consider the value for what it is and making a game plan for the workaround for the parts you don’t love. This might mean meeting family at the park, inviting them over for takeout pizza, or hosting informal get-togethers that place fewer expectations on the parts of entertaining that you dislike. If you don’t plan for this, you might avoid living according to the value because there is too much work or time at stake.
I encourage you to grab your phone and start listing your words. Brainstorm how you want to emulate these words in your everyday life. Create a life worth living.